I'm going to take a break for a minute from working on the novel of my life to share a few things that I have thought about over the past week. I haven't got to the point in my story where I share how I got to where I am, but for those of you who don't know I am currently in Louisiana living in Hammond. Why you ask...well that is for another post, another time. For now just know that I am here.
The past nine months have been one of a kind! I have moved states, found new friends, new lovers, new crushes, new job, new job titles, new heartbreaks, just about everything you can think of has happened and in such a short amount of time. Through all of this I have been on this journey to find myself and my goals, what I want from life and to what extent I am willing to go. Moving to a new place and finding yourself in a strange place can be liberating, depressing, exciting, scary, but most of all so rewarding. I loose myself on a regular basis, but no matter what I always find myself again. The last time I found myself I was thousand miles up in the air, on my way to Detroit.
A few months ago I started a great relationship with someone and it grew into something that I haven't been able to find in quite sometime. Then just as fast as it started it was over. No explanation no closure, no guidance on what to do next, and no one there to sweep me off my feet again. Just me alone, wondering what in the world I did wrong. Call me conceded selfish, self absorbed, whatever you may, but I believe that I am quite a catch! What could I have possibly done so wrong that made him run the other way! From the moment I realized it all fell apart until about a week ago I have spent my time trying to impress him again, working hard to loose weight, trying to fix the relationship I single handedly destroyed (by being a typical psycho girl, which was totally out of my norm), as well we trying to find reasons that I wasn't good enough. Honestly I would have to say the past few months have been the least fulfilling I have ever felt with my life. Why?! Because I have finally realized that it is impossible to live your life for someone else, trying to make yourself the kind of perfect they think you should be. Why do people go through life trying to constantly impress people, whether its your parents, siblings, a boy or girl, your boss, your friends whoever it may be, I feel as though we spend more time trying to make others think so highly of us, than we do making ourselves happy. So what he didn't like me for whatever reason, maybe there is no reason in particular other than God simply didn't have it in his plan for us to workout at that particular point.
As I was flying high above the clouds I just finally saw that I am worth everything I thought I wasn't. God has created this amazing life, this amazing world, and you better bet he has an amazing plan for us as well! God puts everyone and everything in our life to remind us of his plan for us. On my next flight after this I was sitting alone, and a handsome young man left his seat and took one next to me. He said and I quote "a beautiful girl like yourself shouldn't have to sit alone for a long flight like this." Some people may think of that as a little creepy, but we talked the whole way home, it's amazing what a stranger can remind you of, and what joy they can bring you when you're at your lowest point.
I'm making a vow to myself to make sure that my choices in life are for myself, not for the guy I'm dating, or for the guy who I'm not dating, or for anyone else but me. I am who I am, nothing can change that, and I am quite a catch!
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