For Me, Only Me

I'm going to take a break for a minute from working on the novel of my life to share a few things that I have thought about over the past week. I haven't got to the point in my story where I share how I got to where I am, but for those of you who don't know I am currently in Louisiana living in Hammond. Why you  ask...well that is for another post, another time. For now just know that I am here.

The past nine months have been one of a kind! I have moved states, found new friends, new lovers, new crushes, new job, new job titles, new heartbreaks, just about everything you can think of has happened and in such a short amount of time. Through all of this I have been on this journey to find myself and my goals, what I want from life and to what extent I am willing to go. Moving to a new place and finding yourself in a strange place can be liberating, depressing, exciting, scary, but most of all so rewarding. I loose myself on a regular basis, but no matter what I always find myself again. The last time I found myself I was thousand miles up in the air, on my way to Detroit.

A few months ago I started a great relationship with someone and it grew into something that I haven't been able to find in quite sometime. Then just as fast as it started it was over. No explanation  no closure, no guidance on what to do next, and no one there to sweep me off my feet again. Just me alone, wondering what in the world I did wrong. Call me conceded  selfish, self absorbed, whatever you may, but I believe that I am quite a catch! What could I have possibly done so wrong that made him run the other way! From the moment I realized it all fell apart until about a week ago I have spent my time trying to impress him again, working hard to loose weight, trying to fix the relationship I single handedly destroyed (by being a typical psycho girl, which was totally out of my norm), as well we trying to find reasons that I wasn't good enough. Honestly I would have to say the past few months have been the least fulfilling I have ever felt with my life. Why?! Because I have finally realized that it is impossible to live your life for someone else, trying to make yourself the kind of perfect they think you should be. Why do people go through life trying to constantly impress people, whether its your parents, siblings, a boy or girl, your boss, your friends  whoever it may be, I feel as though we spend more time trying to make others think so highly of us, than we do making ourselves happy. So what he didn't like me for whatever reason, maybe there is no reason in particular other than God simply didn't have it in his plan for us to workout at that particular point.

As I was flying high above the clouds I just finally saw that I am worth everything I thought I wasn't. God has created this amazing life, this amazing world, and you better bet he has an amazing plan for us as well! God puts everyone and everything in our life to remind us of his plan for us. On my next flight after this I was sitting alone, and a handsome young man left his seat and took one next to me. He said and I quote "a beautiful girl like yourself shouldn't have to sit alone for a long flight like this." Some people may think of that as a little creepy, but we talked the whole way home, it's amazing what a stranger can remind you of, and what joy they can bring you when you're at your lowest point.

 I'm making a vow to myself to make sure that my choices in life are for myself, not for the guy I'm dating, or for the guy who I'm not dating, or for anyone else but me. I am who I am, nothing can change that, and I am quite a catch!

Chapter Three: That Moment

"A moment can change everything;" what exactly does this mean? A moment in time changes everything in time, your view on everything that's happened; or yet to happen.. or does it mean events in the future are now changed because of this one event in this one moment. Doesn't every moment of your life change something about the next... what makes one moment more significant than the rest...?

This statement, cliche, saying, whatever you would like to refer to it as means to me, that at one point in time, there is or can be a moment that changes everything about your life. Your views, goals, dreams, ambitions, are all affected by this one moment. It can be as simple as failing an entrance exam, getting rejected by someone you care about, getting rejected by a school or possibly a coach, or something as big as the birth f your child, niece or nephew, or in my case the sudden death of someone you never thought you would loose...I can narrow that moment of my life down to one hour. It changed my whole life.

There are no words to describe my grandpa, he was a southern baptist preacher, farmer, hard working, hard headed son of a gun who had to have everything his way. He raised the Minix family to keep close ties, no one lived more than 15 miles from each other, 14 to be exact, and may God be with us if we decided to move farther than that! The values that he instilled in myself, my sisters, my cousins, aunts and uncles can't be described in some blog. Right down to our core we are about our family through and through, we believe that hard work and dedication gets us places, and that everyone needs to pitch in and help out when things get tough. I can still hear him whistling church hymns, yelling at my driving skills, and the way he would order me three hamburgers at Wendy's because he didn't think I was eating enough...these are the memories I treasure...

I remember it like it was yesterday, my sister and I had went to the cafeteria in the hospital to grab a bite to eat and catch up on some of our current events. She just had to tell me about the guy she was seeing named Steve (he's now her husband :) ), so we left my grandpa's room while grandma was still there keeping him company. At the time he was in a recovery for a triple bypass surgery, scheduled to go home two days later. Things were looking up!! When we got off the elevator and walked through the double doors to see nurses scrambling around, in and out of his room, machines I've never seen before, my grandma in the corner chair being comforted by a nurse I instantly feared the worse. From then on all I remember is someone telling me we should probably call in the members of the family and that it wasn't going to be much longer, and that they have tried all they could, pastoral services were called in and as quick as I could I called each and every member of our family. I was on the phone with my older cousin Sarah when they told us he was gone.

That is the moment, told in one simple paragraph, that's the moment everything changed. That summer I spent every single free second I had staying with my grandma, helping her with her garden, helping her cook, sitting in the silence sometimes just so she didn't have to be alone. Fifty- five years with someone, once they're gone the silence can be deafening. After loosing him, I realized that the people that were in my life were selfish people that I had no time for, they and by they I mean my ex. He couldn't understand why I spent so much time with my grandma, so the first thing that moment changed was, I did away with the boyfriend. Ain't no one got time for that!

After a few months and school started back up, I needed out, needed a change. I was feeling too tied down, and now that the one person who was disapprove of my moving away was gone, and although I would miss my grandma dearly, I felt like I needed to move, a new adventure, to find out who I was. It was sometime in I believe October/ early November that I received the e-mail from Disney. NOW ACCEPTING COLLEGE PROGRAM APPLICATIONS... whats this? I clicked, read, liked, applied... and waited...

Because of that one moment that caused me to finally take a risk, a chance at leaving the only town I ever knew, from that moment comes the next thing that changed everything...

 Dear Kayla,

Congratulations! You have been accepted to the Disney College Program.

Chapter One- Where My Adventure Started

Many, many moons ago I was a young, very stupid, self-centered, stubborn teenager who was very set in her ways. I was so stuck in this little bubble with no desire to get out, or to be anything more than ordinary that until God, fate, karma, destiny, whatever you want to call it stepped in and changed everything.

I’d have to say when you are sixteen years old you don’t really think past the Friday night football game, the homecoming dances, prom dates or boyfriends, and in all honesty you think that everything is going to last forever. I was one of those sixteen year old girls, just trying to fit in, trying to find myself in the ways of others. 

This idea of “fitting in” landed me at a party with many of my other friends drinking; playing beer pong, doing what I thought was cool at the time…. Long story short, 90% of the party was made up of student athletes, most on their starting lineup of whatever sport they played. Word traveled fast around the school and I found myself sitting in the office, being questioned like so many of my other friends about what had happened that night. To put this story even shorter, I was in deep water, suspended from sports for I think it was 6 games, as a sophomore in high school (not to mention I was a starter on varsity). Not only did the school come down hard but so did my parents, instantly I was grounded for life, car was taken, cell phone was taken, my life as a sixteen year old was over. So, me being again a very stupid teenager started to gain back their trust and eventually got my rights back. But no sooner were they taken right back, when I lied to my parents to sneak out to another party. Dad was not happy about this one.. I recall him cutting my license up and cutting right around my picture and said “here you can put this in your scrapbook.” Yeah, that was a rough year.

Obviously I earned the trust back, built a stronger foundation with my parents, and stopped being a lying little sixteen year old. These sequence of events led to me being so determined to move out, have a life of my own, and promise myself that I wouldn't make decision based on what other people were doing, what others wanted me to do, or try to “fit in” with a crowd. It took a lot for me to realize that I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to party, drink, go out with boys, and be a rebel.  

This is where my real adventure started, I found out more about myself after these events than I even knew was possible. Having soccer taken from me for that short of time made me realize how valuable something can be, how when you are stripped away from something you love, you will work that much harder to get it back. I did just that, I got a call from a local coach saying he wanted me to try out for his college team and after trying out I landed me a full ride scholarship. I was in shock and almost had given up playing college soccer, and granted this was a junior college, it brought me away from making the wrong choices such as moving in with my then boyfriend, settling for a school closer to home, and staying in that comfort zone. High school was just a pinch of time in my life, but these few events, these mistakes, this spontaneous decision to play college soccer; this was where my adventure started…  

The Introduction

I'm sitting here staring... at a blank page. Where do I start. It has been a solid year and a half at least since I have gotten the courage to sit down in front of my computer, or with a pencil in hand and a blank paper and have actually wrote something down in relation to my thoughts, feelings, adventures, or funny stories I felt needed to be shared. I don't know why I stopped or what has made me start again but I feel as though this blog is much needed! I want to share with everyone else my adventures, deep thoughts, little bits of inspiration I find along the way & lastly do something for me that allows me to vent when needed and get my thoughts in line.

Here's to all the people who have told me over and over, "your life is like a novel," let this be the introduction of a great one...